Life spins 1.2.22
Sometimes following the ride of life is slightly disorienting. It takes you high and low and through and through. I’m trying to just sit back and enjoy the ride but it’s hard. Part of me feels like it’s holding on for dear life and the other part is begging for me to just surrender. One is scared. One is hopeful and trusting. I know which side I want to listen to but integrating the two is difficult.
Getting back into the dating world has taken a lot of my mental energy lately. Navigating new relationships and feelings and people has felt like another mental marathon, constantly checking myself and missing things. Trying to keep an open heart and not shut down after being completely devastated by heartbreak is a challenge I don’t hear too much about. It’s hard.
Like I’ve talked about before, the Ego vs the Soul. My ego sounds off all the alarms about how “unsafe” feeling anything again is and my heart simply wants to love, be loved & be open to express whatever I feel to be true.
Ego feels rigid, tense, anxious, controlling, scared.
Heart feels light, open, non-attached, free.
And when I map it out this way it makes what I already know to be true so obvious: The Heart path is the path I want to live my life from. But just like every other human, I have unintegrated pain + energy that sometimes makes that feel like an uphill battle. Unintegrated energy is simply repressed, stagnant, stuck energy from experiences that I haven’t faced, dealt with, integrated into who I am. Most people prefer to keep these energies stuck simply because moving them and feeling them is far too painful. And honestly, sometimes I get frustrated on this journey because it feels never ending. I have so much pain from my past both as a child & adult that I have worked so hard to be integrated and faced and worked through. And yet I still find myself afraid to feel, to share, to express.
And that leads me to ask myself why? Why am I afraid? Hurt? Made it through all that before. These subconscious self preservation techniques we do to keep us safe actually just keep us shackled. We tip-toe through life making sure we avoid pain and suffering and sometimes this is done at such a deep subconscious level that we have no idea we are even doing it.
I know these things. I’ve studied these things. And I still do them all. It sometimes feels like a never ending practice. And on my best days I feel curiosity and excitement about that and on my worse days I find it to be a bit daunting. A whole life of this work? How exciting and simultaneously exhausting.
2021 taught me a lot. The 20’s as a whole have shook me quite a bit and although the growth has been fruitful. It’s been really fucking hard and I don’t think I’m alone in that experience. I look around and I see that - we’re all moving through similar things. Hard things. And yet? We persevere, we show up and we have courage to press on.
And that’s what I’ll do.