The Heart
I’ve been working on my Heart for a while. Like 2 years of consistent work we’re talking.
Visualization meditations to open & unravel it. Trying to figure out how to express the language of the heart and how to live my life more from my heart and less from my head.
Since going through my last break-up i’ve realized a lot about myself and who I am when it comes to relationships, sharing my heart & how I behave when it comes to living from the heart. And i’ll give ya a little hint: it ain’t anything to write home about. I’m learning how illiterate I am when it comes to the language and understanding of my own heart and emotional state.
In most of my relationships I hyper-focus on the other person. I hold partners to such a high, impossible standard I think so that I have an out - “they didn’t live up to the expectations” I think to myself. But the truth is… I don’t want them to. Because if they did, if they were “good enough” i’d actually have to open myself up to commitment, love and of course the possibility of getting it all just to lose it. And subconsciously I can’t face that. So i continuously keep people at a distance, compare them to impossibly high standards and make sure I always have an out.
It’s fascinating because I’m always talking about how I want connection, affection, love, etc. But I do everything I can to make sure i don’t get it. Or if i do get some sliver of it, it’s safe enough that I can keep my guard up.
With my heart beginning to open, i’m realizing i do not want to play that cycle out anymore. And i’m realizing the role that i’ve played in perpetuating that cycle. And as someone who’s always focused on what other people are doing wrong, it’s a bit jarring to realize: hey! i’m not innocent here. It’s not just on everybody else.
And as difficult as that is to start to understand, it’s also somewhat empowering. I’m not always at the mercy of everyone else. I can work on these parts of myself and attract something different. I can be different. And give something different than i’ve given.