My experience with anxiety
Anxiety has a way of making your world feel very small. I hate to even say out loud that I have anxiety sometimes but it’s true. I guess that means it’s still stigmatized in my mind, probably something I should move through.
The truth is, I never knew what anxiety felt like until 2020. I’ve had the usual nervousness, sure, but anxiety, anxiety was foreign to me. I wish it still was. I’ve noticed that mental loops and patterns of thinking exacerbate anxiety for me - the more familiar I’ve become with this feeling, the more I realize it doesn’t just “happen” - something triggers it and then before you know it, it’s spun out of control.
I’m really thankful I have practices in place that help me. When I first started experiencing it I had no idea what was happening and it took me for a ride. I’ve definitely been one of those people who’ve shown up at urgent care convinced they’re having a heart attack only to realize that panic attacks feel that way, too.
I experienced something traumatic in 2019 that resulted in diagnosed PTSD and since that experience, my nervous system is dysregulated. I can feel it. It gets triggered easily and all of a sudden I’m back to that place. I’ve done a lot of work and the intensity has worn off a lot but some days it still gives me a hard time. I’ll put my hand on my chest, maybe my belly and I remind myself “you are safe” “you are here, not there” wherever here may be. The few months of panic that I experienced in 2020 have turned into the occasional days of anxiety. Progress. But the mind will run with those days if you let it, so as soon as I feel my nervous system jolt into an anxious state I incorporate all that I know to do.
In early 2020 when I began experiencing this, I remember all I wanted to do was escape the feelings I was feeling. It was terrible, I’d take Benadryl mid-day some days just to force myself to sleep and get some peace. I just wanted to run from it. Anything to not feel that way. After a few weeks though, I realized i couldn’t run forever and avoidance was only making things worse. I found a therapist and started the work with her shortly after. And believe me, working through the things that create anxiety for you is exactly that: work.
I realized the only way out of this, was through. I couldn’t run from it and I needed to walk through the fire and “feel it to heal it” as they say. I remember I kept asking my therapist for a timeline “how long will this last?” I probably asked that question in 5,000 different ways. No timeline she told me over and over. When you feel anxious you think it’s going to last forever. It doesn’t.
The doom and gloom of the world in 2020 and even still today doesn’t help, either. i don’t think as humans we were not created to experience this level of pain and suffering in the world that we have constant access to via social media, news outlets, etc.
Trauma leaves an imprint on your nervous system, our energy body, our mind, our spirit. On all of us. But overtime that really deep line in the sand can turn into something hardly noticeable, but it’s true what they say, you do have to feel it to heal it. Overtime I learned to surrender to the influx of emotions that come with being human. I’m definitely doing my best and some days that feels like enough and some days it doesn’t. All part of it. There’s no perfect way to do all of this.
Here’s my prescription for when I feel anxiety come on:
Deep breathing. Immediately. This will slow your heart rate and calm the nervous system. Mountain breath is a great place to start: Inhale to a count of 4, Exhale to a count of 4, then do it to a count of 6, then 8, then back to 6 & back to 4
Connect with yourself - I put my hands on my heart, maybe one on the belly whatever feels right and I remind myself “I am safe, I am OK” you can say whatever helps calm your worries and fits your situation.
Practice Cognitive Distancing - recognize that you are not your thoughts. See the worries/fears/anxieties you’re experiencing as separate from you, pieces that are coming and going and not who you are.
MOVE - I’ve found that when I feel anxious I have an excess of energy in my body that needs to move. Dance, stretch, go for a walk/jog. Anything.
Find a therapist. This has been instrumental - For me, having someone name what I’m feeling and experiencing and explain the science behind it has been very helpful. Plus they can give you tools to help.
Get in nature as much as possible. It will help ground that energy.
Emotions, feelings, all of it comes and goes. Let it come and find peace in the impermanence of it all and then let it go.